Beauty Contest Lauterbrunnen Valley of Tera Gold

Those with air-miles to waste could always head to Brazil, where Moraci says surgeons offer a controversial muscle implant service. “Nobody has performed this procedure in the UK, because we don’t think it looks too natural.”

Meanwhile, those seeking a safer, cheaper route to a new-look body could always try selective tanning pads, as detailed by Glen Harden on Dragon’s Den this summer. Simply place Harden’s six circular screens over your stomach, hop into a tanning machine once a day for four weeks, and the contrast between the tanned and untanned areas will, he claims, create the illusion of chiselled abs.

What did surprise me, however, was how little coverage there was of the other cases that night. Journalists weren’t allowed in the youth court, so these defendants were a little older than you might imagine, picturing a classic rioter.

The first was a paranoid schizophrenic called Martin Burton, who had been caught stealing a mirror from a domestic property (there was a question mark over whether or not the resident was known to him); when his own residence was searched, he had an Oyster card not registered to him, and couldn’t explain how he came about it. He was refused bail. He had nothing to do with the riots; it was just bad luck that he happened to be arrested on 7 August.

Alps, but in any beauty contest Lauterbrunnen Valley must come out near the top. It’s impossibly pretty, the snow-speckled glacier-carved crags towering over crazily-angled green fields dotted with pines and gingerbread cottage chalets. Some 72 waterfalls descend these sheer walls, the most impressive being Staubbach Falls. Such is its beauty, Goethe and Lord Byron were moved to pen poems upon viewing its cascading waters. Trummelbach Falls, meanwhile, is a corkscrewing mass of 10 glacial waterfalls that rush through the mountain.

And of those mentally ill prisoners, the headline group is paranoid schizophrenics, who account for 10% of the prison population and 1% of the general population.

Nobody (anymore) thinks that Clarke will be allowed to stick to his guns when David Cameron is under pressure. I merely bring this up because it is now an undisputed tenet of criminal justice: paranoid schizophrenics should, generally, not be in prison. And that being the case, should they be remanded in custody over the possession of an Oyster card not registered to them and the theft of a mirror? Would he have been remanded in custody in a different atmosphere?

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